No Me Gusta

The grease at the end of Hector's gun met my sweat. The gun, in a slimy way, drug across my forehead. "No", he said, "They keep your friend. We go to the bank machine. You pay your tab. He takes you home."

It wasn't my first trip to Mexico, nor was it the most reckless judgement I had employed there. But there I was. Sitting in the back of a cab with the Mexican version of Vin Diesel pressing a pistol into my head.

John and I were the only guys who made the trip without dates or spouses. It was our first night in Tulum, and we decided to go out to the bars after our married friends called it a night. He told me he didn't have his passport or any cash on him. I told him I would cover the rest of the night. I had no idea how expensive this offer would become.

We got in the first taxi we found, and asked him to take us some place fun. "You like the girls right?" It seemed like he thought we might be a couple. "You like music?" "Yes and yes", John shouted. After making a quick phone call, the cabby turned up the music and sped us to a "great place".

I can't believe we didn't leave right away. Looking back, it was so obvious they were waiting for us. They watched us, and whispered, and laughed. I can't believe the dangerous situations people allow themselves to be placed in, just because they don't want to be impolite.

We ordered our second beers ( was I fearing impolite behavior, or am I just a problem drinker?) Two "women" came over and tried to sit on our laps. They asked us in broken English for drinks, and if we would like to go upstairs with them. I said, "No me gusta". I'm pretty sure John was contemplating a handy. Luckily, or so it seemed, they left in a huff.

"It' time to go man. I have beers in my room and this is getting fucked up".

I signaled for our tab. It was brought over by four men. Three of the men were big, and one was absolutely huge. They looked both furious and tickled.

The "tab" was slapped down on our table.

"$500"

"Five hundred pesos por quatro cervezas? Expensivo, pero OK".

The huge one remarked back in very clear English, "No, it's $500 dollars".

"Why", I demanded, trying to play tough.

He spoke slowly and calmly "It's for the ladies and the beer."

The other 3 guys moved in closer. It was very clear what was happening. I knew I had exactly $300 on me.

I almost whined, "I am sorry. We didn't understand. Can I just pay you $250, and then leave?"

One of the guys slapped the hell out of the back of my head. I bit my tongue, literally. I pulled out my wallet, rummaged through my cards, and offered him my Visa. They all laughed. "OK, I said, just let me talk with my friend , so we can split this up. We will pay you."

The only thing that hadn't gone wrong yet was John. He was a bit of a squirrel back then. He liked to crack the funnies at awkward times, and is not a big guy. But he was being cool, and luckily, pretty quiet.

"Dude, I don't have any money. What are we going to do?"

I smiled when I answered him, hoping I wasn't looking as scared as I was. Through my smile, "I only have $300. I'm going to leave $280 on the table. That still makes this a nice score for them and leaves us with cash for a taxi. As soon as I lay the money down, we are running out the door as hard as we can."

And that's what we did.

And thank God, what's the first thing we see as we burst through the door? Our taxi! We threw ourselves into the cab. "Vamanos Mother Fucker..let's go, let's go, let's go!!"

But he wouldn't go.

The bar emptied out, and surrounded the cab. I locked our doors. They rocked the car back and forth, while pounding on the windows. It wasn't just the 4 guys. At least 6 more were there, joined by 4 prostitutes. ( who were shrilly laughing )

I was convinced we were dead. I couldn't believe this was how we were going to die. Torn apart by a mob in Mexico? They stopped rocking the cab and Vin Diesel approached the cab driver. He rolled down his window and they spoke for about 5 seconds. He then unlocked the doors ( yes, this taxi in Mexico had automatic doors)

They opened up John's door, and pulled him out of the car. I tried to follow, but they grabbed and squeezed my face like a grape, forcing me back in the car. Waiting for me in the back seat was the big man. He held a gun in his lap.

"Me llamo Ed".

"Stop trying to speak Spanish Ed. My name is Hector."

"Hector, I am sorry. I only had $300 with me. We were not trying to steal. Can I leave you my credit cards, and come back tomorrow with $200? Please.."

He explained , "They keep your friend. We go to the bank machine. You pay your tab. We come back. You get your friend...and he takes you home".

I acted happy and relieved with his plan as I said, "Sounds fair. But I can't leave my friend alone with all of them. He should come, you should bring one of your friends, and I'll pay you $100 more than my tab." I looked him in the eyes and smiled.

The pistol was no longer in his lap, but pressed into the center of my dome. The grease at the end of Hector's gun met my sweat. The gun, in a slimy way, drug across my forehead. "No", he said, "They keep your friend. We go to the bank machine. You pay your tab. He takes you home". Then he looked me in the eyes and smiled.

"Sounds good Hector".

Well no wonder Hector didn't bite on my $100 bonus offer! We made 3 stops where I pulled out the maximum withdrawal of $300. ATM number four wouldn't give me cash. I explained to Hector that my bank must have frozen my account, because I never pull out that type of cash and we were in a foreign country.

Suddenly, Hector seemed to lose his grasp on the English language. He yelled at me in Spanish and pointed to my account balance from the last withdrawal. I yelled back, "I would give all of it to you if I could, but it won't let me!".

He wanted to make sure I wasn't bluffing. He put the gun to my head again. " Are you sure?", he asked. "Yeah, I'm sure. And you know I am sure, and that this is not fair. I have been fair. I paid."

He laughed. "No fair eh!!?? You want the cops? I like the cops."

A weird calm came over me after he said that. If he wasn't scared of me reporting this mugging to the police, then he would have no reason to kill us.

"Fair enough Hector". We talked about American Idol as the cab drove us back to the bar.

He actually thanked me as he left the car. Less than a minute later, John walked out. He looked confused, but fine. The taxi swept us off to our resort.

( Later that week John would admit to drinking 3 more beers, on the house, while I was gone. They pretty much left him alone)

John immediately asked me what had happened, and I told him we shouldn't say a word until we were back in the resort. We all rode in silence.

Upon our arrival, the taxi turned over his shoulder and asked for a fare. I half punched, half slapped him in the face and started screaming. I was going to kill him if I could. "Let's not go to jail next asshole". John was right.

We got out of the car. I spit at, or on him. ( can't remember) I kicked his cab as he drove off.

I told John everything that happened when we got to my room. Apparently I was still yelling. A strong knock came on my room's door. I went to the kitchenette to find a knife as I heard, "Hotel Security. Please keep it down and good night".

John left for his room. I crashed into my bed.

I learned a few things that night.

When in a spotty region, don't ask cabs where to go, tell them where to go.
If you are scared, it's for a reason.
Don't show all of your cards.
Don't underestimate your friends.

Lastly, Hector taught me the beauty of the all inclusive resort. No need to go off exploring! It's not the type of trip that makes you sound cool, but it really is the most relaxing way to travel. All of these great lessons.... and for only $1,200, and a pair of boxer shorts.

Muchas Gracias you son of a bitch.